Essential Quotes: 2008

i. On Jessica Simpson: “Blond like Clorox sunshine. Breasts like plucked guinea hens: undercooked and overstuffed. Jackknifing legs that split the air like seesaws. She’s got that high-maintenance pout. She’s got her own money: She can buy your house just to use the toilet.” —Lisa Taddeo (“The Case for Jessica Simpson”: Esquire, 05.2008)

ii. “The fact that George Clooney is handsome is a priori truth. Triangles have three sides, and Clooney is handsome. Yet the terrible thing about the Net is that even priori truths are called into question.” —AJ Jacobs ("It’s Clooney, by George”: Esquire UK, 11.2008)

iii. “You have high expectations for people because you have high expectations for yourself.” —Gisele Bündchen (“Gossip Girl”: GQ, 07.2008)

iv. “If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like, you can smell the warmth in the fart.” —Megan Fox (“Obsession”: GQ, 12.2008)

v. On her high school life: “I didn’t fit into the popular group. I wasn’t a hippie or a stoner, so I ended up being the weirdo. I was interested in classical ballet and music, and the kids were quite mean if you were different. I was one of those people that people were mean to. When that happened, instead of being a doormat, I decided to emphasize my differences. I didn’t shave my legs. I had hair growing under my arms. I refused to wear makeup, or fit the ideal of what a conventionally pretty girl would look like. So of course I was tortured even more, and that further validated my superiority, and helped me to survive and say, ‘I’m getting out of here, and everyone is a heathen in this school. You don’t even know who Mahler is!’ ” —Madonna ("Madonnarama!": Vanity Fair, 05.2008)

vi. On men: “When we ask you how our asses look in a particular pair of jeans, you should always be brutally honest and completely positive at the same time. How you accomplish this is up to you.” —Leslie Mann ("10 Things You Don't Know About Women"; Esquire, 04.2008)

vii. “Teach your children everything that you're not because they will pick up on everything that you are.” —Rachel Hunter ("What I've Learned"; Esquire, 04.2008)

viii. “I just finished shooting my second film. I’ve got nothing lined up after that. My plan is to see what happens. God laughs when you make plans.” —Sam Riley (“Creative Business”: GQ, 02.2008)

ix. “Big into yoga? Cool. You’re gonna die. Eating nothing but oats and acai berries? Excellent. You’re gonna die. Whatever your name is, it’s soon to be featured on the business side of a tombstone. Your ticket is booked. One way, nonstop to the undiscovered country. You know this already. Everybody does. But it’s easy to forget. Because living, with its drama and its errands, its gossip and its headlines, conspires to make us forget.” —Benjamin Alsup (“Reminder of the Month: Death!”; Esquire, 04.2008)

x. “There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.” —Leslie Nielsen ("What I've Learned"; Esquire, 04.2008)

Essential Movies: 2008

Vals Im Bashir/Waltz with Bashir (Israel) • RocknRolla (UK) • Happy-Go-Lucky (UK) • Il y a longtemps que je t'aime/I've Loved You So Long (France) • Rachel Getting Married (USA) • How to Be (UK) • Vicky Cristina Barcelona (USA) • Jay (Philippines) • Chugyeogja/The Chaser (South Korea) • Next Attraction (Philippines)

Jamie Dornan + Eva Mendes for Calvin Klein

Photographer: Steven Klein Models: Jamie Dornan and Eva Mendes Location: Palm Springs, California

After years of drab, dowdy print ads, Calvin Klein goes back to its roots selling what it sells best: denim, underwear and sex. For its fall campaign, we're given a generous serving of skin, lust and youthful abandon. Joining hottie Eva Mendes in an amorous tete-a-tete is Irish actor Jamie Dornan.

Proceed with caution: sweaty torsos, body hugging jeans and flimsy black underwear ahead.

Megan Fox in GQ

HOLY #@%^! Megan Fox says it as it is

There she is, licking her lips like a playful little minx.

Terry Richardson's snapshot of Megan Fox for GQ is one of the more memorable photographs from last year (not because of its artistic merit—there's very little of that there—but for its prurient, lascivious appeal).

In writer Mark Kirby's accompanying profile ("Megan Fox Was a Teenage Lesbian"), the 23-year-old actress reveals how she fell for a Russian stripper ("She smelled like vanilla"), how protective she is of comic geeks ("They're not nerds, they're just passionate!") and how much she adores Xbox and Gears of War ("That's the upside of dating a woman who's almost a man. She likes the same things that you like, but she has a vagina!").

When asked if her character, Mikaela Banes, is more fleshed out and complex in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, she replied, "Transformers 2 is directed by Michael Bay."

I never had the urge to watch Transformers, but now, I feel like giving it a go.

Cheen Up, Twiz Your Body

Yes, we rarely comb our hair.

"I can't believe we're actually combing our hair," Rina said. "After five long years we're at it again."

Jay quickly followed suit, using his fingers to rake his crowning glory.

Yesterday was a momentous occasion: a professional photographer was commissioned to take our picture. We had to comb our hair.

At half past one, we went straight to The Lounge where a woman with curly hair was waiting.

Rina approached the photographer. "Is this for the group pic or is it for the individual pic?"

"Both," she replied. "Sit down."

Rina promptly sat down.

"Okay," the photographer said. "Sit back and turn you head towards me."

Rina obliged.

A camera whirred. Click.

"Cheen up," she ordered.

"Sorry?" Rina asked.

"Raise your cheen like this," the photographer said, pointing to her chin.

"Oh."

Click

"Twiz your body," she ordered.

"Excuse me?"

"Twiz your body," the photographer replied.

"You want me to pluck my body?"

"No," the photographer replied. "I said 'twiz' your body," turning her body to demonstrate

"Oh."

Click.

"Lumiyad ka," the photographer commanded.

"Like this?" Rina asked.

"Wow," Jay snickered. "Parang Kama Sutra na Villa Estrella!"

Click.

"We're done," the photographer said. "You're next."

"Yes Ma'am," I replied nervously.

I sat down, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

When Colin Met Sally

Colin Farrell plays a tormented hitman in Martin McDonagh's In Bruges

Comedies are usually overlooked by the Academy, oftentimes pushed to the sidelines to give way for weepy dramas Kate Winslet and Meryl Streep specialize in. Casualties last year include Happy-Go-Lucky and In Bruges. In the latter, Colin Farrell delivers the goods, shining in the role of Ray, a hitman wracked with guilt and remorse.

"I killed a little boy!" cries Ray.

"Then try to do something good," replies Ken (Brendan Gleeson), his best pal. "You're not going to bring that boy back, but you might save the next one."

"What am I going to be? A doctor?" answers Ray. "You need exams!"

Sharing Ray's naivete is Poppy (Happy-Go-Lucky), an overly optimistic school teacher. Played with sparkling charm by Sally Hawkins, we see an idealistic person completely impervious to worries, anxiety, and good old depression. She's a dying breed alright, but Sally Hawkin's earnest acting makes me believe that irrepressibly cheerful people do exist.

"You can't make everyone happy, Poppy," says Zoe, her best friend.

"There's no harm in trying, is there?" she replies.

Poppy (Sally Hawkins), the perennially cheerful school teacher

What's Tact Got to Do With It?

Corporate drones may be many things, but tactful isn't one of them.

The person seated to my right accused me of being a virgin. I ignored her and told the girl in front of me that she's a blood-sucking vampire. The person to my left joined in the fray by saying that someone in the office was the same age as Tutankhamun.

I creased my brows. "Tutan-who?"

"King Tut, a long dead pharaoh from Egypt," replied the guy on my right.

"Oh."

"Before, I thought 'Siquijor' literally means land of the whore," said the guy seated beside me. He's European. "We're going there on Holy Week."

"You're in for a surprise," said the girl to my right. "Warlocks and mystics will be converging there next week."

He smiled.

Sister Karma, on the other hand, wasn't too amused. On our way down the elevator, we got stuck midway between the 12th floor and the 11th floor. Someone suggested we force open the steel doors. When we did, we found ourselves facing a concrete wall. Next to GMA's inauguration, it's the most depressing thing I've seen in my entire life.

It was then that we realized that we're trapped. There were seven of us in the elevator and we were sweating like hogs on their way to the butcher shop.

While I panic, the people I'm with seemed to be having the time of their lives. They were taking pictures of themselves, cracking jokes, and laughing like we're in a Bar Mitzvah somewhere in Queens.

When someone at the back declared a state of emergency ("Guys, I feel like farting"), reality suddenly sunk in.

The person in front of me turned around, then banged his hands repeatedly on the wall, saying, "Help, help! Let us out!"

A Day in the Life of Gloria Arrovo (2005)

Four years ago, the MTRCB squelched the living daylights of A Day in the Life of Gloria Arrovo—a political satire shot in animation. That, of course, didn't prevent good Samaritans from loading brisk 50-second clips in youTube. Although blunt and far from perfect, filmmaker RJ Mabilin's animation shorts are irresistibly charming and likable—a far cry from the woman with black, leathery wings flying in the horizon.

View the videos here and here.

The Man from Manila

Back in high school, our class was told to do something which required synchronized choreography a la Paula Abdul in "Promise of a New Day."

We decided to do Francis M.'s "Mga Kababayan."

During rehearsals, we let the girls from the Women's Basketball League run the show. They had a field day, testing our dancing chops by making us do the "running man." Those of us who had no qualms shaking their bon-bons were told to stand at the very front; those of us who can't be bothered with the "running man" were told to stand at the very back (me included).

One of the girls had a Sony double deck cassette player—a black, clunky piece of machinery that elicited "oooohs" and "ahhhs" from us hickies. When she played her Francis M. cassette tape, a wave of patriotic pride swept among us, sending an electric jolt straight through our convoluted hearts.

Francis M. unified our disgruntled class, making us realize how cool local music was. We promptly ditched our Wilson Phillips, New Kids on the Block, and Bon Jovi cassette tapes.

For one whole week, we were bona fide Francis M. fans.

American Idol: Semi-Finals, Week 2 (2009)

Adam gets no satisfaction from Simon

Adam Lambert has mad vocal skills. During performance night, he ended "Satisfaction" with a high pitched sonic wail that left judge Kara DioGuardi bamboozled.

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, was not wholly pleased. "There were parts that were excruciatingly bad and parts that were brilliant. This is going to be one of those love it or hate it performances."

"Love it!" shouted someone from the crowd. And so did everyone—except, of course, Simon.

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

In 10 Things I Hate About You, Heath Ledger plays Patrick Verona, a scruffy young man who says things like, “I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl — I think.”

Patrick is goaded by Joey Donner (Andrew Keegan) to date Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles), a precocious book worm completely uninterested in romance and all its complications.

Worlds collide, followed by a verbal banter between the foolhardy Patrick and the elusive, cat-like Kat.

"I'll take you places you've never been before," says Patrick.

"Like where?" Kat wonders. "The 7/11 on Broadway?"

Although trivial and predictable, 10 Things I Hate About You struck gold with Heath Ledger. He's amusing, most especially while singing a clunky rendition of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.”

Patrick can’t take his eyes off Kat. And Kat, try as she might, can’t help but fall for Patrick’s trailer park charm. When Kat bares her innards through poetry, 10 Things I Hate About You finally gets its groove on.

At that very moment, we're reminded how glorious and prickly high school is.

Hugh Jackman in Empire

“Hugh's a monster right now,” says actor Liev Schreiber.

Hugh Jackman beefed up for his role as Logan in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and the result is eye-popping. He looks good, and Twentieth Century-Fox is hoping the 40-year-old actor's rugged new image will translate to box-office success.

Bringing credibility and artistic clout to X-Men Origins is South African director Gavin Hood (Tsotsi) and screenplay writer David Benioff (The Kite Runner, 25th Hour). In retelling Logan's checkered past, Benioff is bringing to the fore characters like Victor Creed/Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber), Wade Wilson/Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds), and Remy LeBeau/Gambit (Taylor Kitsch). Hood, meanwhile, hints of great sequences involving these characters and everyone's favorite Canadian loose cannon, Logan.

Empire ushers in the New Year by doing a feature story on X-Men Origins and putting Hugh Jackman on the cover. Considering the gloomy forecast experts are giving for 2009, Jackman's grave expression (coupled with the baleful, sinister clouds gathering in the horizon), is perfect.

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