Essential Quotes: 2008

i. On Jessica Simpson: “Blond like Clorox sunshine. Breasts like plucked guinea hens: undercooked and overstuffed. Jackknifing legs that split the air like seesaws. She’s got that high-maintenance pout. She’s got her own money: She can buy your house just to use the toilet.” —Lisa Taddeo (“The Case for Jessica Simpson”: Esquire, 05.2008)

ii. “The fact that George Clooney is handsome is a priori truth. Triangles have three sides, and Clooney is handsome. Yet the terrible thing about the Net is that even priori truths are called into question.” —AJ Jacobs ("It’s Clooney, by George”: Esquire UK, 11.2008)

iii. “You have high expectations for people because you have high expectations for yourself.” —Gisele Bündchen (“Gossip Girl”: GQ, 07.2008)

iv. “If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like, you can smell the warmth in the fart.” —Megan Fox (“Obsession”: GQ, 12.2008)

v. On her high school life: “I didn’t fit into the popular group. I wasn’t a hippie or a stoner, so I ended up being the weirdo. I was interested in classical ballet and music, and the kids were quite mean if you were different. I was one of those people that people were mean to. When that happened, instead of being a doormat, I decided to emphasize my differences. I didn’t shave my legs. I had hair growing under my arms. I refused to wear makeup, or fit the ideal of what a conventionally pretty girl would look like. So of course I was tortured even more, and that further validated my superiority, and helped me to survive and say, ‘I’m getting out of here, and everyone is a heathen in this school. You don’t even know who Mahler is!’ ” —Madonna ("Madonnarama!": Vanity Fair, 05.2008)

vi. On men: “When we ask you how our asses look in a particular pair of jeans, you should always be brutally honest and completely positive at the same time. How you accomplish this is up to you.” —Leslie Mann ("10 Things You Don't Know About Women"; Esquire, 04.2008)

vii. “Teach your children everything that you're not because they will pick up on everything that you are.” —Rachel Hunter ("What I've Learned"; Esquire, 04.2008)

viii. “I just finished shooting my second film. I’ve got nothing lined up after that. My plan is to see what happens. God laughs when you make plans.” —Sam Riley (“Creative Business”: GQ, 02.2008)

ix. “Big into yoga? Cool. You’re gonna die. Eating nothing but oats and acai berries? Excellent. You’re gonna die. Whatever your name is, it’s soon to be featured on the business side of a tombstone. Your ticket is booked. One way, nonstop to the undiscovered country. You know this already. Everybody does. But it’s easy to forget. Because living, with its drama and its errands, its gossip and its headlines, conspires to make us forget.” —Benjamin Alsup (“Reminder of the Month: Death!”; Esquire, 04.2008)

x. “There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.” —Leslie Nielsen ("What I've Learned"; Esquire, 04.2008)