Saturday, May 1, 2010

New Moon (2009)

There they are, running around shirtless in the woods. Don't werewolves get cold? What about pneumonia?

"One hundred eight degrees over here," says Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), pointing to his chest.

"My hands are freezing," Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) shivers. "Must be nice never getting cold."

"It's a wolf thing," Jacob answers.

In New Moon, last year's sequel to Twilight, the formerly lanky Jacob Black cuts his hair and beefs up.

"Hello biceps," Bella stares at Jacob.

It's been months since they last saw each other and Ms. Swan is quite taken by the gorgeous, newly rejuvenated lump of flesh she's seeing. Her "vegan" lover, the vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), dumped her on her 18th birthday. "This is the last time you'll see me," he said, then took off.

The breakup deeply affected Bella, pushing her to long bouts of emo moments. "You've disappeared like everything else," she wrote in her journal. "When you left, you took everything with you. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest."

That was before she saw Jacob's bulging pecs. These, of course, promptly made her change her mind. "He makes me feel better," she said, referring to her studly werewolf friend. "I mean, he makes me feel alive. The hole in my chest... well, when I'm with Jake it's like it's almost healed for a while."

When Bella's rendezvous with her motorcycle resulted in a near fatal road mishap, I started having migraine.

"Oh man, your head," Jacob says, promptly taking off his shirt to wipe her wound.

Bella blushed.

"You're sort of beautiful," she says.

Jacob smiles. "How hard did you hit your head?"

My thought exactly. How hard did Bella hit her head? I hope she didn't bump her head too hard. There are two more Twilight movies we have to watch.